You shouldn’t have called me that day in May

This came the day I said I would finish this blog(which I didn’t)

Have you ever met someone and thought to yourself that this one, this is the one that’s going to ruin my life? And you brace yourself for it, it’s like watching a car crash in slow motion and once it hits something there’s nothing more beautiful than seeing car fragments going in different directions at high speed. You know it’s going to happen and you just wait and watch because there is nothing you can do about it.

Here we are again. Did I expect it to happen? No! Did I see it coming? No. Because you were out of my life and I thought it was finally the end of us but we are back to where we started and the only difference is that my feelings for you are much stronger than I thought they would ever be. I stepped back last year because I felt like we weren’t going anywhere and the uncertainty was killing me and guess what? It still is.

I love you and I have said it to you before, I wish I could pinpoint the exact moment when it happened but I don’t think that’s possible. Maybe it grew over time or it was always there and I didn’t want to accept it. I finally admitted it to you and myself now where do we go from here? Not that I am giving you all of the power to decide or like our fate hangs on the balance of what you want or that I’ll go with whatever you decide. I’m standing here and telling you that I love you and I want to know if anything will come out of this. I couldn’t think of a better way to put it.

I have been trying to avoid it but it keeps gnawing at me or making itself known. I don’t know what you feel for me, I mean I know you don’t hate and you should feel something for me. I can tell by the way you reach for my hand to kiss it or how you kiss my forehead. I love all the time we spend together regardless of what we are doing. It could be me watching you cook or laying next to you in bed. Or sitting in silence in your car as we drive somewhere. I feel like the love that I feel the strongest is the one that I don’t see coming or the one that I fight off but here it is, I feel like the intensity matches how much I was fighting it.

I want all of this to last forever, like an endless honeymoon phase or the love I read about in books and I wonder if that is possible. I guess if you want something to work then it will and I’m guessing that we are doing. I probably love you more than you love me, not that there’s anything wrong with that or that it should be measured, but I tend to feel more than the other person most of the time.

The last time I felt this way about someone else it was mostly one-sided and it ended with me getting hurt and that’s what scares me the most about being with you. It feels familiar because I have been here before but the difference is you genuinely care for me and you love me and it shows. I wish we met again before the pain and all the hurt changed me I hate to admit it but it did and not in a good way. Maybe the old me was gentler and softer and would love you more freely and openly and not uncomfortably wait for the moment when it all comes crashing down.

I’m glad you called me in May and I would never take it all back. The only reason I picked that title is that it sounds poetic and I am dramatic.