When does it end?

This year I learned that I can love again and I also learned that it doesn’t always last when you want it to and you could everything into it and it just won’t last. It will one day, I am a firm believer that I always get what I want, one way or another it’s one of the few things that keep me going.

I have always been an emotional person, ever since I was a child. I felt everything deeply be it happiness or love or pain. The pain and sadness often led to tears, never physical pain though, it was emotional pain. To this day I can count how many times physical pain has made me cry, this shouldn’t take away from the fact that when I’m very sad a feel pain in my heart, almost the way my heart feels clenched when I try an anxiety attack.

My emotions are something that I constantly navigate and I think I have made peace with them, I let them take over and wash me away. This is something I have been fighting because according to a lot of people crying correlates with weakness because each time I would be told to be strong, I did not view being in touch with my feelings as a weakness. One thing I have struggled with though is opening up to people, I’d rather get lost in my thoughts. I did decide to be a better communicator and whenever I was wronged I would explain how I felt, this is something I had to work on because I was in a relationship with a person that constantly invalidated my feelings and would accuse me of faking my tears whenever I would cry because he hurt me. Crying is my comfort and it soothes me, it hurts though, to feel so much pain to have my body wracked by sobs, to feel like the world is going to end but it won’t and I’ll still feel pain and loss.

Writing, I don’t know what I would be without it. I don’t write as many blogs as I’d like but I’m constantly writing in my journal, it keeps me sane. It’s one of the few constants I have in my life. It’s also a great way to process my feelings, it’s almost like as the words leave my mind and get typed or written the pain subsides. I wish I could write more when I’m happy, it’s easier to write about sadness and grief. I’ll write more about what’s going on in my life and my thoughts and feelings and ideas and things.