The year was 2006. I wore a blue dress with a bareback from Pep, our house help told me I’d get fat because I sweated a lot and then I cried. I’m a cryer and I was young so I did think I’d actually get fat even though sweating and being fat has nothing to do with each other.
The year was 2010, I ate a whole lot on a Saturday because my boyfriend dumped me, I ate a whole lot but the food didn’t satiate my hunger. Don’t ask me why I had a boyfriend when I was 15. I was obsessed with weighing myself because my dad had bought a scale and I always checked how much I weighed. I’d weigh 50kg during the school term and 55 during the holiday.
The year was 2011 and I complained to my dad that we weren’t given enough food at school then he looked at me and asked me why I had gained weight if I wasn’t eating enough. Before I knew it most of my jeans couldn’t fit me. I remember standing in my parents' bedroom and my mum stared at my belly for a while then touched it not a pat but the way nurses do it to check a baby's position or whatever. The first thing anyone said when they saw me as you’ve gained so much. I didn’t weigh myself anymore. I should have gone past 60kg’s.
The year was 2012 I was so conscious about the weight that I barely ate during the school holidays. I remember going back to school and my friend Abigail said I had lost so much weight and that my collar bones were sticking out. I didn’t care I was just happy that I didn’t weigh so much. Also, my brother said I walked like a duck because of my weight.
The year was 2013 and I was done with high school by the end year. So I stopped eating, I’d go a whole day and only have a small meal. I didn’t get pangs of hunger or headaches and I was happy that I was getting smaller.
The year was 2014 and my dad died. I remember one of his cousins forcing me to eat during his funeral but I wasn’t hungry. After his funeral, I’d eat but not exactly enjoy my meals. I became picky with what I ate and I’m not a fussy eater. I remember going to Oktoberfest and my best friend Esther telling me that I’d lost so much weight.
The years after that are such a blur. I didn’t weigh myself but I was small. I remember my brother telling me that my weight changes like the weather.
The year was 2017 and I got into university. I mostly survived on the burgers and hotdogs and chips that were sold at my school. I hated cooking but I still ate a lot. I noticed the weight gain and my favorite jeans getting smaller. I wore more dresses and I can’t remember why. If anyone asked me why I gained weight I’d say it was happy weight or whatever. I got more comfortable in my skin and even though I had a tiny belly it didn’t bother me much until my ex-boyfriend said I should work on my stomach because it was getting big, I brushed him off but then at the end of the year I did some 30 days a challenge but that didn’t quite work out.
The year was 2018 and a friend of mine told me I look plump and I felt bad. I weighed around 60kg and I didn’t think I was that big. I barely ate for about a week because I was going through some shit and I noticed that my stomach was flat and I was so happy about that. And then I got sick and lost a whole lot of weight. I barely ate too and that didn’t help things. My jeans didn’t fit me anymore and I couldn’t wear them anymore. I got smaller pairs of jeans and didn’t wear any of my old dresses because they were loose-fitting. I was so obsessed with gaining weight that I weighed whenever I saw a scale. I kept thinking about it and I hated it when people would notice how much weight I’d lost and why. I ran into someone I hadn’t seen in years and then he said I look great and that I’m lucky I’m that small because of how big females get after they have a baby or as they get older then he said something about me having a body of a ballet dancer. Then he said you and I are the same and something about us having a great metabolism. I don’t know how I felt about that to honest because I was stuck in between wanting to gain weight and then loving my body for what it is. This is the only body I have and I’ll ever have. I have to love it regardless of what it looks like. I wore crop tops because they showed how flat my stomach was but I still wanted thicker thighs and bigger arms. I’d post photos of my self with captions saying stay skinny or skinny bird but still want to be bigger on the inside.
The year is 2019 and I weighed myself last month and I did gain a kg and a half. I don’t look into a mirror whenever I walk past one because I’m confident I only do it because I’m very conscious when it comes to my body. I have a friend that’s gain so much weight and is finding it very hard to lose it. She says I’m lucky because I lose weight easily. I eat now, a whole lot. I’m almost always hungry and I actually enjoy cooking. I started running and doing yoga not because I was to lose weight but because I’m so restless and I feel like I have all this pent up energy I need to get rid of and also I’d love to be toned. I eat healthier now and I really take care of my body. While I was eating the other day my sister said if I keep eating the way I eat I’ll get fat and I stopped eating for a little bit but I was so hungry so I finished my meal. I wanted to start watching what I eat but I get so hungry now and I don’t want to starve myself so I’ll just keep eating whatever. I’ve had people tell me I shouldn’t bother about my weight or going out because I’m not fat and that I have it easy but I still know the kind of body I want and I’ll work towards it.
I think I love my body now, I’m not sure. I still want to get to 55kg or 60kg and then I’ll be pleased but I should love my body in whatever form it’s in. I would wish I could gain weight easily but it’s much better if I can lose easily. I’m taking care of myself, well my outside. I use face scrubs and washes. I made a body scrub and I use oils for my skin and hair. I don’t know if this is me covering up for all the times I hated my body or I just feel the need to take care of it. I do my own hair too. I’m healing on the inside and trying to better the outside. I’ll be happy with myself when I can finally accept my body for what it is.