Sad.
I think our bodies grieve people before they leave, mine anyway because I don’t know what it’s like for the next person. I recently lost someone quite close to me, not that they died but they aren’t in my life anymore. This is something I was hoping would last forever but that’s just me. I don’t know if this will turn into a series of blogs but I’m hoping it’s just this one.
Today is day 4 and sadly the tears are back as I write this, but it’s just soft gentle tears and not painful sobs that make my body shake, it’s not cries of despair that make me wish I was dead. I will be fine, I always make it through and I guess that should a good thing but the thing is that it reminds me that when I’m in my bed at night the tears will return and I’ll be hit by the harsh reality that they are gone.
I wish I could say that it can be fixed or they could come back but they are gone just like seasons come and go. It’s too bleak to look at the bright side of any of this because there isn’t. I can’t blame myself for holding on because it’s the happiest I have felt in a while. Maybe it was me and my need to fixate on everything and every little word that was said to me. Or it just wasn’t meant to last and I should come to terms with that.
I am saying I mourned their loss before they left because I cried too hard for a small misunderstanding. My body knew and I tried to fight it because some things are worth fighting for but I guess it wasn’t worth it so I’m unsure about where that leaves me. I’ve been trying to argue within myself about what I should fight for and what I should just let be. It’s very difficult to come by or to decide on. I still feel that it should be easy and that one day it will be that way, though I feel like this will change me so much and I will go back into my shell. I don’t want to get hurt again because I can’t even describe the pain that I’m experiencing. It’s hurting a little less and I am grateful for my friends that came through for me and being in their company made it all better.
The last time I felt pain similar to this was when I left a relationship that wasn’t good for me, that was warranted but this time was different. I was hoping it would be different. For me anyway. Makes me wonder if it was different or if it was just me and my need to fixate on things.
It all hurts and I can’t wait for it to all go away. I keep blaming myself and thinking that maybe I should have done things differently and this will make me spiral into a very dark place that I haven’t been to in a while. This is something I truly have to work on it because it’s always relationships that lead me here.
I don’t know when I’ll be able to write again but I hope it’s soon because I have so many unfinished blogs in my drafts, hopefully when I come back I’ll be in a better place.
🖤
