Love Letter #3

I’ve had many love’s, a decent number, but none of them has been the love of my life because we aren’t together anymore. For some of them I did think that they were, I guess they were in that moment and it was true but then it wasn’t anymore. Looking back at it, I’ve had to reevaluate my feelings towards some of them because if it was real why didn’t it last? Not every relationship can last, though; sometimes you only experience people for a season.

Maybe I put my love’s in a box, and I hold on to that feeling and I never want to let it go. But there are some I know that won’t last, my gut tells me so. I could end it just there and then but I never want to let go, I feel like I won’t have it again and so I’ll hold onto it while it lasts. It hurts to hold on though because you know that person isn’t yours, not in a sense of ownership because everybody belongs solely to themselves but you know what I mean. This always takes me back to a quote I read in the Diary of Anne Frank, ‘You can be lonely even when you are loved by many people since you are still not anybody’s one and only.’

I should be grateful to have experienced so many love’s, it’s beautiful to see and behold. But the pain, the pain that comes when it ends is awful, I can’t eat, and I can barely sleep. It has me cursing my existence and cursing the day they walked into my life, I wish that things ended differently and maybe we didn’t get along. But I guess it’s all meant to be and even though I run from it it’ll still catch me, like fate. Sick twisted fate. I sometimes wish I could take it all back because now all of the memories I held onto are tainted with hate and pain and I just can’t compartmentalise. I don’t want to say I get irrational but it’s the way logical way I can think of it, if you knew you were going to hurt me you should have just left me alone. The only thing that brings me back is when I think of the people I’ve hurt too and it wasn’t intentional and they probably think I should have left them alone too. I don’t know what the moral of this story is because pain is still pain at the end of the day. I still have to live with the scars left with me.

I guess it’s bittersweet in a sense because all of this is supposed to make me appreciate my one true love, the one that will never end. Some people never end up with somebody or lose the one they truly love for many reasons. I can’t imagine losing a love and forever comparing other people to them, it’s quite unfair. I never want to be stuck in such a loop and I was. I got over it and I’m glad I did, I was holding onto an idea of what I thought was love and I couldn’t accept anything else, I really thought I would die because at that time nobody loved me as much as they did and they truly broke me. Very confusing state to be in cause why would someone who loves me that much hurt me so badly then it dawned on me that it wasn’t nice, it was codependency. They loved how I made them feel and I never wanted to lose what they gave me.

It’s all very bleak right now. Each time I feel like I am better it hits me and I come back to where I was. I should look to the future because that gives me hope that it will all get better but it’s hard to. I am here right now in the present and I have to feel everything that I am feeling.

I hate being like this because I have no desire to leave the house or do anything. I feel overwhelmed by my phone and I just want to be in bed reading or listening to music.

I will be fine though, somehow I always manage to get through these things even though I feel like the heartache will kill me.