Is there more?

I stayed in a relationship for so long and I’d always talk about how nobody has ever loved me so fiercely or I never connected to the person as much as I did. And I stayed; I should have left and one of my biggest worries was that I would end up alone and never find someone to love me. I was scared to rebuild, to reveal parts of me that I always kept hidden from the world. I wasn’t willing to end the bonds I had developed with him, his family and his friends. I could have never imagined a life without him, ever. The thought of it would send me into panic attacks, even on days when he just wouldn’t talk to me I still stayed.

I feel broken in places where I can’t be fixed like I’m some fucked up version of myself that will never be whole again. Someone once told me that they gave me the best years of their life and I did not take them seriously because there were so many things they said at the end of our relationship. The only reason I’m mentioning this is that I gave a person the best version of me and they took that for granted and I feel different, I still share the same ideals towards love but I’m not the same person cause now I can’t be in love without the fear of being hurt. It feels like running away from something and constantly looking over your shoulder to see if it’s going to catch up with you, what I feel is going to catch up with me is the near-inevitable pain. I’ve got scars that run deep, scars that can’t be seen by the human eye but scars deep in the shades of my soul. There are days when I’m genuinely happy but then it hurts me that someone I truly loved never wanted me and then I get filled with this strong sense of sadness and I feel like it subtly touches my eyes.

Will you still love me when all my layers have fallen away and all that’s left is a broken shell of who I once was? Not even love can fix me and when it’s late and I lay awake in bed at night I often wonder if I’ll ever feel whole or if I’ll ever come close to the old me. Back when I was truly happy, bright-eyed with no grief or trauma to weigh me down. I should give myself credit though because I’m happier, I’m surrounded by people both old and new and they make my days brighter, they make me laugh louder and when I hug them I linger on because I don’t want to lose the warmth that’s better than my dark and cold nights.

Now see, I am a hopeless romantic and I always let love consume me. Consume every fibre of my being. I let love completely envelop me and I leave no space for rational thoughts or sense. It becomes my main focus, like a drug addict feigning for their next hit. I fall and spiral into a deep dark abyss which often ends in unrequited love.

I rarely did talk about him to other people, not even write about him, the one time I did. I took it down not long after. In my head what we had was sacred but in all honesty, I was hiding behind shame, I didn’t want people to know what he put me through. My family did know a lot to some extent, and I’ll always be grateful for not giving up on me. Those three years were the lowest points of my life and I don’t know how I juggled the emotional and mental turmoil and being a full-time student.

In all aspects of my short life, I have always been stuck with knowing what to fight for and when to walk away. I feel like I have gotten better at making life-altering decisions, it’s easier to sit and stay because it is something familiar and at that moment it’s the only thing you know. Don’t hold yourself back, there’s more out there and much more within yourself.

I feel like everyone should experience soft and gentle love too much focus is put into a love that struggles. Everyone should have a love that feels like caramel ice cream melting on their tongue in the summer or laying on clean cotton sheets after a hot shower. One day I’ll get to experience a love that only ends in death and before that I’ll continue to fight my demons.