I wish you were dead.
It’s easier to lose someone to death than it is to lose them when they are still alive. It’s difficult because you know they are alive but you can’t be with them anymore. It’s a little bit morbid but it’s the only thing I can think of right now. The loss of someone to death is heavy, quite heavy and it’s still something I am navigating to this day.
Losing someone because of a break-up is something I don’t think I’ll ever be able to wrap my head around. Maybe it’s not made to be understood but why does it have to be so damn difficult? I wish I could count or put a timeline in when I will get better but I can’t. I wish I could wake up tomorrow and know that I will be able to leave my bed because I want to not because I have to. I wish I could scroll through apps on my phone and not see your name show up whenever I have to share something. I was going through the images on my phone and I saw a video of us and I thought we were happy, I know I was but I guess you weren’t. I wish you would have told me but it’s already happened.
It’s hard for me not to blame myself for what happened, I am not as kind to myself as I should be. I should be gentler, and kinder and ignore the little voice in my head that tells me that I’ll never be enough and that I’ll never be happy. I should remind myself that I may be sad now but it’ll pass and I’ll be happy again.
I don’t always let people in and when I do I tend to cling to them, I never want them to leave. Why would I? I’ve said this before about how people come and go like seasons do but I dread it, I know it’s inevitable that they’ll leave but I never want them to. One day, someone will stay, I don’t look forward to that day. I know I should but how will I know?
I know the pain will eventually go away and it won’t kill me but that’s the worst part because I have to live with it. I have to live with this aching feeling of loss, I have to accept that you won’t be in my life again. Maybe we could be friends, I have been thinking about it but my intentions can’t be trusted. I am not there yet and I can’t be friends with you when I still love you when I thought we would still be together and it’s what I wanted.
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