I am tired.

The last couple of weeks have been heavy for me, really heavy. I can’t remember the last time I had to endure through so much sadness. And I don’t take sadness very well. I can’t eat, I can barely sleep and I feel like a dark heavy cloud. My energy is low and I don’t talk as much as I do. I wear my emotions openly, it’s something I used to fight because of what people would say. I can’t pretend to be happy, my face betrays me all of the time.

I know that my days will get better. They always do, but till they get better I have to feel what I am feeling. It hurts, it hurts so bad and I wish there was something that could take the pain away. I wish I could numb all of it, I dreaded the feeling of being on antidepressants because I didn’t feel and I would kill for that right now.

Some days are easier than others, some are hard and it feels like it’s busy from the beginning. What if this doesn’t stop? What if I feel this way forever? I feel like it would kill me. I hate that I feel so much, it breaks me and it keeps getting worse.

Writing helps, the other week I wrote over 11 pages in my journal, I don’t remember ever writing that much. I should go back and read what I wrote. Yesterday, I wrote 5 pages, I don’t know how much I’ll write today but probably a lot. I would go insane without music or writing.

I slept for 15 hours yesterday, sleeping is better than crying. I did try to read and I eventually lost focus, I tried to watch a movie but I kept replaying parts and then I started to fall asleep. It was dreamless empty sleep, the kind of sleep I get when I am trying to escape reality. It feels like I am awake because I am away or my body just won’t let me rest because of the thoughts in my head.

I cried myself to sleep the day before and that’s why I say that sleeping is better than crying. Crying takes me to the darkest places ever and each time I do I hope it’s the last time but then it happens again. I am not good company when I am this way though I can squeeze in moments of sanity. I still have to go through life and be around people. Not all of my days are bad but what I hate is that I think I am fine and then I get tired and I am back to where I started. I don’t like to talk about it because it makes me cry, though I feel that the crying is necessary and I need to let it all out. I am holding back tears as a write this, that’s how easily I get triggered but I need to get through this rather than bury it deep inside me.

I wish I could wake up tomorrow and not feel the way I am feeling. I wish I didn’t have to go through these moments of sadness in my life. I block out some moments and at other times I have to live with them. I don’t know how long this will last so I guess I have to learn how to live with it.