I am fine.

My mum called me today, we hadn’t spoken for so long, and she asked me if I’m sad. I feel like she has a sixth sense because she usually calls when I’m down. I told her that I was fine which was a lie but I don’t want her to worry.

I was sad about something some weeks back and she called to see if I was ok and I said I was fine. This isn’t the first time, and it won’t be the last. I don’t know how she just knows that I’m not great and gets the need to call me. Talking to my mum is great but we go back to me being unable to open up most of the time.

I’ll be fine. I’m fine. Ok maybe I’m not but whatever I’m feeling will pass. This is what I tell myself all the time. Even though I don’t quite mean it. But hope is good, right?

I’m crying as I write this. I’m crying because I’m tired. I’m tired of feeling this way because it’s exhausting.

If I have a headache or cramps, it’s easy to explain because it’s physical and so many people can relate. But what if what you’re feeling is mental? How do I say that I can’t talk to you right now because I can’t form the words? Or I can’t gather my thoughts together. I’d rather be in bed listening to music or sleeping.

I don’t know what’s wrong and I can’t put it words. If you ask me how I’m doing I’ll tell you I’m fine because I am right? Well relatively. What scale am I supposed to use to measure my sadness or how I’m feeling?

I’m tired of feeling this way and sometimes I wonder if I’ll always be this way. What I’d like is to be home in my bed and talking to my mother and she’ll tell me a story and laugh till her eyes tear up or talk to my nephew Victor and he’ll tell him about something him and his friend did, or I’ll hug him and feel at peace when he wraps his skinny arms around my neck.

I’ve been caving into myself a lot lately and I don’t know why. I have exams and I can’t do this because I need to study. And I can’t fail because the world waits for nobody and if I fail that’ll be on me and not what I’m dealing with.

Now don’t pity me or ask me how I’m doing because I’m fine.

There are days where I feel like I’ll lose my mind. I lose my mind and become psychotic. My psychiatrist told me about how anxiety could sometimes turn into bipolar disorder. Or I’ll lose my sense of self and get lost in the prison that is my mind(this is me not him).

Sometimes I get so lost my in head that I can drown out the noise of the world and it’s just me. You know how you fall asleep with music playing, and you can hear it in your dreams? Like a soundtrack to a movie but your life. Someone will call my name and I can barely hear their voice or I get startled and step back, I enjoy such days because I feel at peace but then there are days where I feel trapped in my mind.

I couldn’t stand medication. I’d gag whenever I’m swallowing, and I developed a technique of filling my mouth with water then throwing the tablet in and quickly swallowing because I can’t stand the powder coating my mouth, I’d lick sugar or drink the juice right after. I don’t take anything for cramps or if a have the flu or cough. I only take medication when I have to and now I have to take it every single day. I feel bad about being on medication and there are days where I don’t take it because of that and other times I just want to see if I can function without it. I don’t like to explain this to people because I’ll get something like why can’t you be happy? Why can’t you just smile? Why do you have to take medication to control your mood? My friend Abbie(God bless your soul and I love you) told me that I don’t have to explain myself to anyone. She’s a nurse so that helps so she understands and she knows what it’s like, my mum gets it too. When I complained to her about the side effects of the other medication I have to take she said that it’s fine and maybe I slept through the whole day because I’m tired and my body needs to rest. I find trouble sleeping at times but then it’s great when I don’t have class because I can get back my adequate hours of sleep.

I’m on two kinds of medication antidepressants(no I’m not depressed) it’s anti-anxiety medication for well my anxiety and the second one is an antipsychotic(no I’m not losing my mind but I can) it’s used in the treatment of so much stuff but in my case OCD that can’t be cured through therapy. Therapy is great, but it can’t only go so far. I sometimes feel like I’m beyond redemption because the therapy isn’t enough. I see him about once a month for a new prescription because the medicine I get is for a month. At first, he’d set an appointment date because I had just started taking my meds and he wanted to see how I was adjusted to them, with the second kind which I started taking around July he said I should see him as soon as possible if I have any side effects. I didn’t get any, but the side effects of the meds I’m on are pretty ironic, depression and suicidal thoughts and loss of sleep or irritability and wait for it… anxiety. I feel like they could do better but I don’t know anything about medication and how they are made. All I know is the antidepressants increase the production of serotonin(the happy hormone) in my brain. I don’t get giddy or anything, but I can cope better. I still get panic attacks or feelings of anxiety because the medicine can only go so far you know? (you probably don’t but you can look it up). The rest is up to me; I need to help myself and all the therapy and medication are doing are “more of management and not treatment(Abbie’s words)”. I’ll be fine, eventually. My days just have to get better and I believe they will. I can’t be on medication forever because that’s just heavy.

Most times, my episodes are caused by triggers. I won’t get into specifics, but I have several triggers, mostly my family and friends or certain situations. Some can be avoided, and others are beyond my control. I can see some coming and so I avoid them but other times my episodes appear on their own and that’s when I can’t explain what I’m feeling. I’ll pass them off as one of those days but to be honest; it’s more than that.