Heartbreak, nostalgia and other things

You haunt my days and nights. I lay awake thinking about you and wondering where everything went wrong, during the day whenever my phone lights up I hope that it’s a message from you but it isn’t and maybe it never will be. I needed closure but you said it doesn’t exist but it does for me, I think I need it. A few years ago I thought I didn’t need it and I said something about going around in circles and trying to talk about things you could have done differently. I was wrong about that because in the situation I thought I didn’t need closure was how I ended back together with that person because of unresolved feelings I should have let go of.

Back to you. It hurts and I can’t believe it hurts this much. It’s not as profound as the loss of my father which is my main measure of pain but it still hurts. I obsess over everything I said or did and wonder if that’s what made you leave, my OCD won’t let me rest. This is good, isn’t it? I’m back to writing again. Pain is what makes me write, I don’t have much to write about when I’m happy because I’m filled with immense joy and everything is running smoothly. My writing is centered around pain, loss of love or the loss of my father.

I digress...

I miss you and I need you around to make me laugh and to touch my hair or just stare at me or call me annoying but still stay. Do you lay awake as I do? Do you listen to the songs that relate to me the same way certain songs remind me of you because you either played them or I made you listen to because I enjoyed them and now you’re the only thing that runs through my mind when I play them?

Maybe in another life or at another time we could be together again. We don’t need each other in this part of our lives but the universe will make us find a way to each other, the way it kept us relatively close but also apart from each other all these years but then we fizzled out like a lit matchstick on a windy cold evening.

Feelings demand to be felt said Nicholas Sparks but it hurts so bad. Have you ever felt your heart literally break? Kind of like the feeling you get when you’re having a panic attack. I know that if I wasn’t on antidepressants I would have had a panic attack but all I felt was numb after the first two days of crying and caving into myself and avoiding the world. My bed felt great, not eating felt ok but I couldn’t do that to my body and so all I ate was ice cream my new comfort food.

It would be easier if you were feeling the same way but I don’t think you are and maybe you only said you’re feeling the pain to ease my pain but you not being here in my bed on the warm night playing your favorite songs makes it hurt. Or me cooking for us while we talk about everything and nothing. And then I’d wake you up because I can’t sleep, a bit selfish because moments before you were sleeping soundly. I could write this to the song that reminded me of you but that will make me cry and I can’t do that right now because I have things to do and I can be in my feelings after my exams or I could repress all that I’m feeling and have an emotional breakdown some months down the line. I mean I still have moments where all I want to do is get into my bed and cry. My body shaking because it hurts so much and I wonder how much of this pain my heart can take. I didn’t think it would hurt this much because it wasn’t love but it was pretty close on my part.

Come back and tell me you miss me and that you can’t bear to be away from me and we’ll work around whatever we’re going through. I mean if people truly care about each other they’ll make it work right?

I started this two days ago and I just couldn’t finish but I’m back and it’s late, I find it easier to write at night because it’s more peaceful and I can’t be overwhelmed by the outside world. I can actually hear my thoughts and process things better.

It’s been 14 days since you left my life and it still hurts as it did, I’ve been waiting for the pain to pass but it just won’t. I didn’t think that it would hurt like this. This isn’t the first time that I’ve gotten my heart broken and it probably won’t be the last because life is quite disappointing but we live and love and lose. It’s some minutes past 3 and my third but not consecutive day of writing and the pain is still as profound as the day you walked out of my life.

I found it, the perfect break up song and it’s quite fitting. Figures by Jessie Reyez and I listened to it in a spot where we sat and wished that you would be sitting next to and staring at me the way you would and I’d wonder what was going through your mind. The song is a perfect representation of the first and second stages in the five stages of grief; DENIAL and ANGER. I’m in denial that you left I can’t believe you’re really gone and I’m angry that you don’t want to come back.

All these feelings will eventually pass, right? I mean they always do. I can’t be hurt any further, my main measure of pain is losing my father and nothing can compare to the loss of someone through death. The despair is so profound that you feel like you can’t breathe, what’s the point of taking in air when one of the few reasons you have to live is gone?

I tend to forget what I was talking about and start talking about something else completely. This feels likes like a tiny chapter about getting your heart broken and what happens after. Navigating a break up after trying to date in the 21st Century: An Account Of Getting My Heart Broken for the Umpteenth Time and It Still Hurts Like a Bitch by Chanda Chibale. That’s the title I’d give it because I think I’m witty and funny.

What’s the moral of this story? Keep trying because love is beautiful, I know I wasn’t there but it felt close. I’m a hopeless romantic and that will be the death of me. The moral of the story is that I’m finally writing again and that’s what matters most and I’ll get through this heartbreak and I’ll be better. The pain still lingers when I see a picture or play a song that reminds me of you or I see something only you would understand.

Till we meet again. Online of course.

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