I’ve never really had a relationship with God. Apart from going to church when I was younger, I eventually stopped. I went to a catholic boarding and we had to go for mass twice a week and if it were up to me I would never have gone. But I had to. I slept through mass most Sundays till I got to grade 12 and I stopped because I thought God would punish me and make me fail my exams.
After high school, I told myself I had to get baptized and I went to a church that was close by. I only attended one service and I never went back.
I do believe in God, that’s a fact. The world is too complex to not have been created by someone or something. I know that there’s someone out there, a white old man in a white robe sitting on a golden throne. That’s not my idea but that’s what I’ve been led to believe.
A God I’d relate to more would have dark skin and maybe hair that’s kink because can a white lab relate to my struggles? Can a white man know what it’s like to be thought of as a lesser being because of his skin color?
Now make me understand why I can have two-three meals in a day when someone else can barely survive? I mean I even have options like if I don’t want to cook I can buy something but people are living on a dollar a day. Maybe we’re made for some greater purpose or life is some sick cosmic joke.
I lost my dad when I was 18 and it still hurts me to this day. It doesn’t hurt any less and I sometimes wonder if his soul has lingered around because I know I’ve felt his presence or his soul is some dark void of nothingness. I had a dream that I died the other day and I was in a dark place and I was just floating.
I once read that God speaks to us through our dreams and I once prayed before I slept and in my dream, everything I’ve ever wanted “came to pass?” That should be the right term now I don’t know what lesson that was. Was going trying to tell me that if I prayed more I’d get whatever I wanted? Or something else. I’ll never know.
People talk about how your prayers are answered if you believe and have faith and I had all of that when I found out that my dad was sick. I cried when I first heard that he was in hospital but he didn’t die just then. He was sick for about three years till he died. Now see I believed because I didn’t want him to go, I still needed him but he still died. I’ll forever grateful for the time we got to spend together. But try and imagine carrying a child full term only for you to lose that child in less than a week? I don’t know what it’s like to experience that kind of a pain but it must hurt a lot.
So I read somewhere that dreams are God speaking to you and a lot of the stuff I dream about have been coming true. Now I don’t know if I’m willing them to happen but if I think about stuff I tend to dream about them and then they come true and it’s getting pretty scary. This has always happened with my sisters but I don’t know why they’re happening now. If it’s God speaking to me then that’s great I guess. I’ve had recurring dreams too and I’m still waiting for them to happen. I also get these strong feelings about certain events and they do happen. I don’t want to read too much into this because well I’m not ready to.
I’m trying to understand God better and it’s led me to look into African traditional religion. Looking into spirituality and how the earth can heal you. Think of healing stones and healthy food. The earth gives us life and sustains is and we’ve been around for a while now so we must be doing something right.