About dark clouds and clear skies

I probably carry the death of my father like a dark cloud. That’s how I view grief, a dark and heavy nimbus cloud. It stays the same, never changing. On the days that I’m filled with grief, I cry and shed tears that are heavy rain droplets. My tears may fall like a drizzle sometimes or maybe a heavy rain but most times it’s a storm with lightning brooding and brewing. The grief is always the same, the cloud doesn’t change and float in the skylight against a clear blue sky.

7 years later and the grief is the same. I’m better adapted against it maybe, i don't know. I grieve for the moments my father will never get to see. My eyes have filled with tears as I type this and the storm is back. Brewing in my heart, the cloud is as dark as ever covering me like a shroud.

My nephew turned 7 last month, he’s a constant reminder of a gift we got after we all lost my father. They share a first name and ironically my nephew was born at the hospital where my father died. He should have been born elsewhere but they were complications during his birth so yeah. He knows who my father is and he knows that that’s his grandfather because of the photos he has seen and I recently told him that they share a first name. I will tell him more when he’s older. He usually throws tantrums for reasons best known to himself and it may be hard to calm him down and sometimes it actually is hard and I lose my patience. I love him, we all do.

I often wonder what my life would have been if my father didn’t die. I try not to dwell on such thoughts for too long though. I won't get the answers I want because I can never really know you know? I guess it will be one of life's many mysteries like, “where do people go when they die?”

I graduated this year, finally got my degree and I know my father would have been happy that I got it. My mum is happy of course, over the moon about it. Happy that I am her first child to get a degree. Me? Unbothered or indifferent. I do not think my life has changed drastically because of it but I am grateful. I would not have done it if it wasn't for the great support system I have and I am happy for all the people that I have around me.

I have been writing but I have not published a blog since last year. I got the urge to write this one on the bus to work. The first sentence kept replaying in my head and then I started writing. I hope I write more and I will do the best I can.

I hope you enjoyed reading this.