Love Letter #1
I’m writing this letter because I miss you but I won’t tell you that I do because where has that ever gotten us? I miss you like I always do but this time it’s filled with more resentment than love and I guess you know why. I never thought I would ever see this day, a day when I don’t receive a text from you in the morning and a midday phone call because you missed the sound of my voice. My days revolved around your existence even on days when we weren’t together.
Remember those lazy days when we laid together? You’d always get up before me and I’d wake up to the sound of you brushing your teeth in the bathroom. You’d come back and kiss my forehead and tell me to go back to sleep and you were sorry you woke me. I would always tell you that the only time I slept soundly was at your house and I feel like the only reason why I did was that I always felt so safe around you. I don’t sleep the same anywhere else and I don’t know if I ever will.
Are you happy without me? I hope that you are. I wanted nothing more than for you to be happy when we were together. I still do, I still want the best for you even though I don’t think you saw it. I think I’m happy or I’m in a better place right now. I was happy when we were together but those happy moments were rare and I feel like it was the same for you.
Are you smiling as you read this? You always loved the notes I’d write you or the pages in my journal I would let you read. I know that you’ll never read this but a part of me is wishing that you would so that you could enjoy me writing about you one last time.
Do you think about the plans we made about how we would spend the rest of our lives together? That aged badly but I don’t regret it, because I did mean it at that moment. And I did want that, to spend the rest of my life with you, you were it for me. Whoever you end up with, I hope they make you happy. I hope they know to play with your hair when you’re fussy and I hope they make you strong black tea when your tummy aches. I hope they know to hold onto you a little longer when they hug you because you need it.
I still love you and I know I always will, that is something that I have made peace with. But we can’t be together, not in this lifetime anyway but I know my soul will seek yours and find it in our next lifetime. Maybe then things will be better and we’ll be able to spend the rest of our lives together.
