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Banksy

In a world of unanswered texts and phone calls we often mistake the bare minimum of basic communication as something more. I’m guilty of not answering phone calls, it’s somewhat new for me because I’d always be on my phone. Text or call me anytime and I’d be there. If you sent me a text be guaranteed that you’d get a text back in less than 5 minutes but that is not the case anymore. You can’t count on me like that. Call me unreliable if you may.

Maybe I’m growing and evolving or maybe it isn’t that deep and…


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I’ve never really had a relationship with God. Apart from going to church when I was younger, I eventually stopped. I went to a catholic boarding and we had to go for mass twice a week and if it were up to me I would never have gone. But I had to. I slept through mass most Sundays till I got to grade 12 and I stopped because I thought God would punish me and make me fail my exams.

After high school, I told myself I had to get baptized and I went to a church that was close…


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I love you.

There I said it, I finally let it out.

It dawned on me and I typed a message that’ll never get delivered because I put my phone on flight mode before it could get sent. Someone said somethings are better left unsaid and it would not make any difference if you do because what must you do with that information? How is it relevant to you? What does it change? Nothing. I spent the past couple of weeks convincing myself that I had to send it and then deciding against it. …


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My mum called me today, we hadn’t spoken for so long, and she asked me if I’m sad. I feel like she has a sixth sense because she usually calls when I’m down. I told her that I was fine which was a lie but I don’t want her to worry.

I was sad about something some weeks back and she called to see if I was ok and I said I was fine. This isn’t the first time, and it won’t be the last. I don’t know how she just knows that I’m not great and gets the need…


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I’m a mess.

I’m a ball of feelings and ideas of what love should be like in my head. It’s not my fault, not anyone’s fault really but it becomes a problem when my feelings aren’t reciprocated. I’m hot and cold. No in-between really and it must be exhausting because I need you to love me today then leave me alone tomorrow. Call me all the time too see how I’m doing but then stop because it’s overwhelming. Now I don’t know where I’m going with this but something happened recently and I feel like I’m back to square one…


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This album reminds me of a love that could have been. It reminds me of you because it came at a time that you were in my life. Like a soundtrack to our failed romance. Together but not really together?

We hang out but we haven’t defined our relationship because we both don’t know what we want. I mean we want each other but do we really?

You tell me about your failed relationships and I listen and wonder if you’re telling me so that I don’t make the mistakes past females did or you just need someone to talk…


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This isn’t the poster of anxiety. When I get episodes I’m not smiling and happy and looking forward to my next meal. My heart is clenched and my hands shake. I don’t want to leave my bed and I don’t want to talk to anyone. It’s not you, it’s me. As cliche as that sounds it is me and it must be exhausting for our conversations to be dependent on how I feel. Will you understand if I tell you to stay away because your energy is overwhelming me and I feel physically drained? …


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You haunt my days and nights. I lay awake thinking about you and wondering where everything went wrong, during the day whenever my phone lights up I hope that it’s a message from you but it isn’t and maybe it never will be. I needed closure but you said it doesn’t exist but it does for me, I think I need it. A few years ago I thought I didn’t need it and I said something about going around in circles and trying to talk about things you could have done differently. …


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The year was 2006. I wore a blue dress with a bareback from Pep, our house help told me I’d get fat because I sweated a lot and then I cried. I’m a cryer and I was young so I did think I’d actually get fat even though sweating and being fat has nothing to do with each other.

The year was 2010, I ate a whole lot on a Saturday because my boyfriend dumped me, I ate a whole lot but the food didn’t satiate my hunger. Don’t ask me why I had a boyfriend when I was 15…


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So today is my birthday, nothing special I’ve never been big on birthdays. Maybe I was younger because of the cake but oh well. I’m on a bus to Chipata. Going to visit my sister, I miss her and my nephews haven’t seen them in months ok I’m being dramatic it’s only been two months.

So we lived in Chipata for 9 months in 2006 because my dad was sent to work there. It was great but that’s not the point of this blog. The point is the last time I went to Chipata was with my dad. It was…

Chanda Chibale

New blog every Friday ♥️ A writer and a Gemini

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